31st August, 2016. 3:15 am.
I am still wide awake. Still staring blankly and sometimes its all too blurry to stare and so I blink and a tear or two escapes. The tear carries a little salt extracted from my body but it takes a little pain thats been stuck inside me. I am now blinded by the screen’s light in this dark room. It is soo quiet. Its peaceful as well as scary because all my thoughts are now scattered over the floor and some painted on the walls. My white painted with pop of bright colors room suddenly seems like a dungeon. All those scattered thoughts are now staring at me with the one question…Why do I have to hide my pain? And then the thoughts that are painted on the walls tell me to stay where I am.
The painted thoughts are the ones that belong to my heart. The scattered ones belong to my mind. I am fighting no one but myself and I am tired now.
What do I do now?
I once had a best friend..or maybe that person was my true best friend and I couldnt be that person’s best friend. I say I once had because I dont anymore. Time passed by and took everything with it. As I stare blankly at anything or nothing at all…I can only think of what wrong had I done to be here today? I dont have a best friend today to whom I can text and tell. I have isolated myself soo much that I have 3/4 friends to talk to and not feel like a burden on them. I wish I had my best freind at this moment so I could hug and forget everything for some time. There is this big hole inside me that is getting bigger and bigger these days. It feeds on my happiness. And as I am getting weaker I can feel it bigger.
It’s 5:30 am right now and I see people jogging outside. However I am still sitting on my chair typing. Sometimes I go outside my balcony and look at the sky and count the stars or lie down on the floor. I can hear the birds chirping now. I can hear people waking up and this when I start acting and pretend to sleep.
31st August, 2016. 7:45 pm
Its later on the day where I am again at the same place. I passed another exam of my acting. And its time I remove the mask to let myself free again. There is soo many stuff I want to say but I cant. I shouldnt. That’s selfish and I cant do that anymore. I have given up at this moment and I have let my tears roll down. I wish I could run to my once best freind and hug again. Now its too much to ask for. I cant even do an eye contact anymore. Another night…another time where the real me gets out. The once filled mind with sketches and colors is blank…soo blank that I stare down at my sketchbook with a pencil in my hand but I have nothing to draw because its a mess and the paper will turn black. I dont know what my future looks like. I cant plan anything anymore. I am out of plans. I am out of dreams. I have this nightmare…that I cant escape now.
Its 10:13 pm and everyone around me are getting ready for bed and I soo wish I was one of them but I have a war to fight. When will this end ? Or my hole will get me too? How do I actually be happy and not pretend to be happy? How do I forgive myself? How do I leave the path I am still walking on? The worst part is people who should punish me are soo nice to me. I guess that is the punishment.
I wish nobody gets to feel this way ever. I wish nobody loses their best friend. I wish nobody ever loses their dream. I wish everyone gets to live the most beautiful life they dream of. I am sorry if this offends anybody or makes them feel negative in any way. However this is the reason I have been away from blogging as well.
Take care ❤