Where did I go wrong?

31st August, 2016. 3:15 am.

I am still wide awake. Still staring blankly and sometimes its all too blurry to stare and so I blink and a tear or two escapes. The tear carries a little salt extracted from my body but it takes a little pain thats been stuck inside me. I am now blinded by the screen’s light in this dark room. It is soo quiet. Its peaceful as well as scary because all my thoughts are now scattered over the floor and some painted on the walls. My white painted with pop of bright colors room suddenly seems like a dungeon. All those scattered thoughts are now staring at me with the one question…Why do I have to hide my pain?                                    And then the thoughts that are painted on the walls tell me to stay where I am.

The painted thoughts are the ones that belong to my heart. The scattered ones belong to my mind. I am fighting no one but myself and I am tired now.

What do I do now?

I once had a best friend..or maybe that person was my true best friend and I couldnt be that person’s best friend. I say I once had because I dont anymore. Time passed by and took everything with it. As I stare blankly at anything or nothing at all…I can only think of what wrong had I done to be here today? I dont have a best friend today to whom I can text and tell. I have isolated myself soo much that I have 3/4 friends to talk to and not feel like a burden on them. I wish I had my best freind at this moment so I could hug and forget everything for some time. There is this big hole inside me that is getting bigger and bigger these days. It feeds on my happiness. And as I am getting weaker I can feel it bigger.

It’s 5:30 am right now and I see people jogging outside. However I am still sitting on my chair typing. Sometimes I go outside my balcony and look at the sky and count the stars or lie down on the floor. I can hear the birds chirping now. I can hear people waking up and this when I start acting and pretend to sleep.

 

31st August, 2016. 7:45 pm

Its later on the day where I am again at the same place. I passed another exam of my acting. And its time I remove the mask to let myself free again. There is soo many stuff I want to say but I cant. I shouldnt. That’s selfish and I cant do that anymore. I have given up at this moment and I have let my tears roll down. I wish I could run to my once best freind and hug again. Now its too much to ask for. I cant even do an eye contact anymore. Another night…another time where the real me gets out. The once filled mind with sketches and colors is blank…soo blank that I stare down at my sketchbook with a pencil in my hand but I have nothing to draw because its a mess and the paper will turn black. I dont know what my future looks like. I cant plan anything anymore. I am out of plans. I am out of dreams. I have this nightmare…that I cant escape now.

Its 10:13 pm and everyone around me are getting ready for bed and I soo wish I was one of them but I have a war to fight. When will this end ? Or my hole will get me too? How do I actually be happy and not pretend to be happy? How do I forgive myself? How do I leave the path I am still walking on? The worst part is people who should punish me are soo nice  to me. I guess that is the punishment.

I wish nobody gets to feel this way ever. I wish nobody loses their best friend. I wish nobody ever loses their dream. I wish everyone gets to live the most beautiful life they dream of. I am sorry if this offends anybody or makes them feel negative in any way. However this is the reason I have been away from blogging as well.

Take care ❤

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27 thoughts on “Where did I go wrong?

  1. Debs I know wat ure goin thru, i went thru the same thing with my best friend. Eventually thinhs got better.
    But jusy want u to know go on with life. Dont stop ure life for this, its not worth it. Theres more to life and many ways to fond happiness and trust me friendship is not everything. When u get older u will undstand this. Take care love!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The same story of my life…! But sometimes in life u can’t control certain things if they r meant to happen… But only thing i would say is that it’s a lie to think you are not good enough, it’s a lie to think you are not worth anything….! Each and everyone is special in their own way… and i know u r a special one… 🙂 Lastly, no matter what happens remember this friend(me) is beside u always… 🙂 Take care and be happy of what u already have my friend bcoz some people even don’t have what u have in ur life… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. you are such a brave beautiful woman! the turmoil that you are going through for whatever reasons I hope you can get past it and see your dreams again. ❤ what a privilege I feel to be able to read your thoughts like this.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Heartbreak is never easy nor is or nice BUT it is necessary, it’s how we grow, it’s how we learn how strong we truly are. Time will help you to move on but for now take it a day at a time and wjen you’re ready your art will help you. X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes you’re right. I gave myself some time to think and see if it was necessary for me to waste my time over it and realised..no I have a lot more to do before I take my leave from this world. So time did heal and showed me what’s right and I feel a little wiser because now I have learnt a little from my past experience. ☺😊

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  5. Ya know when you were a kid, and you were sad about, say, dropping an ice cream cone? How, after a while, you kind of got over it, but your five-year-old mind was just so stubborn that you wouldn’t stop being sad or mad on the outside? How a family member ticked you or made you laugh and you had to cover up the smile or giggle because you didn’t want them to see that you weren’t mad anymore? When some people feel sad, they can hear the best joke in the world or get ticked for an hour and still not feel better. But that’s not the kind of person I am. No matter how sad I am, I can never resist laughing at the stupidest joke. It doesn’t matter if someone I was really close to just died, when my friends start goofing off around me, I crack a smile. That can be a blessing and a curse. A curse because if I NEED to feel sad to get over something, I have to force myself, and that sure isn’t good. If someone dies and I laugh at a joke five minutes after hearing about it, I feel extremely guilty. But it’s a blessing because I know that hanging around some cherry people even for a half hour can lift my spirits instantly. Try watching a couple stupid, funny videos. Try those little silly try not to laugh challenges with the clips that aren’t even funny, but still somehow make people laugh 😂. It works for me, it might work for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know if this is weird now but reading this made me smile. I don’t think it’s a curse because even if you smile or giggle even when someone just died maybe that one smile could cheer up or just slightly light up the whole place. Which is kind of nice. I do spend half my time watching funny videos and laugh 😛 Thank you for sharing your views. And yes you have a great gift. Smiling at the hardest of times should be a super power 😊

      Like

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