Losing what once was mine.

Nope, this is not about someone I love or loved. This is about me, somewhere along the road of life I’ve lost a part of me from myself. A part I am known for, I am praised for and a part I am proud of. My ability to draw, create a piece that was never created before. Since childhood day I’ve been known for my art in school except the naughtiness.

However, with social media rising so fast I too became a victim to it and lost my talent. I never like to blame someone or something so blaming social media isn’t a reason. It’s my fault. I have been soo busy handling my Instagram aesthetics, my Snapchat stories, posing for the right Facebook dp, that I forgot about the pencil and paper that once held all the stories of my life. Anything big or small would come onto paper and be saved as a memory. My anger, pain, love or any celebration would come onto paper and still live forever. But now, they still live on my social media pages but with a pose for aesthetics,a lot of edits, hashtags, Pinterest copy pasted quotes that at the end it becomes fake and less lively.

I became soo busy that now when I hold the pencil and try drawing, all I have is a blank paper staring back at me. I ignored it soo much that my talent is now ignoring me. I can still draw but only if that’s copying from another picture and sadly this has also affected my designing career. Its painful than a heartbreak, a broken heart will heal with time but how do I get back my own talent. I can feel my heart crying and cursing me when I sit down to draw and end up tidying everything again. Its painful to watch that white paper staring back at me everyday. One would say, “Just practice and you’ll get it back.” But an artist can never be forced to create something. An artist needs a reason to create, an Inspiration to create and I have lost it. For the past few days I have stopped talking to people, though if you follow me on Instagram then you’d see me uploading pictures daily but always remember social media shows what that person wants to show.

I have this faint little voice in my head saying, ” You’ve lost your inspiration. You can no longer draw, no longer create but copy.” I am scared, sad and angry all at once. I am continuously forcing my brain to come up with something but when its time to do it on paper, I cant! This has been happening from a few months, and I didn’t understand at first. I drew a few stuff but was never pleased and slowly I couldn’t draw a line. I used to draw soo much that I would get migraine because I wouldn’t get up for 4 hours straight and be into it soo much. I thought broken hearts were painful but nothing can beat this pain. The pain of your own talent turning its back on you.

As you may know I have never been to any art classes. What I create comes from the heart or a memory captured on paper. To many my art has flaws but to me its perfect. And now that its angry with me. I just dont know what to do. Should I stop trying and give up? But I never give up. Maybe, I’ll take a break and get away for a while. I don’t know but if possible, I’ll keep you updated. 🙂

Take Care ❤

Debo x

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4 thoughts on “Losing what once was mine.

  1. Hi, and never give up, it may seem hard but I assure you if you just try out hardest you’ll soon be rewarded with your paper staring back at you by empty, but filled.

    Like

  2. Hi Deb!
    I know it has been ages since we had a conversation but let me tell you your dreams can never leave you neither they can betray you simply because you ignored your talent deae. We create our dreams and we can undo the wrong things and follow the right path once again to achieve the goal.
    Trust your instincts dear one.You would be surprised to know that your talent never left you as it’s still there.
    Much love.

    Liked by 1 person

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